C-Nova’s 122™ is a collection of highly creative things you can do to impress a woman you are dating. The 122 honors the 122 women Giacomo Casanova mentions having slept with in his book “Story of My Life.”
This week, #37: Custom Wine Labels
The best part of customizing wine bottle labels for your be-loved is that you can get her to drink the wine, turning her into your be-naked. But if you put MS Word clip art on a Post It and glue it on, your love is going to look as cheap as the wine in the bottle is. So pay attention.
There are plenty of online resourcesyou can use to make a “customized” bottle label. Sadly, they all suck worse than the weekend line at the Trader Joe’s Wine Store. For example, check out the fabulous stuff available at winelabel.com. Clip-artastic.
You can use a picture of her if you have a funny drunk one. It depends on what your aims are. Want it make her laugh? Want to make her *sigh*? If it’s the latter, don’t use that picture you took of her when you surprised her in the shower.
Speaking of Trader Joe’s Wine Shop, it is the perfect place to get a couple of bottles of the wine you intend to use. Since you’re going to take the label off anyway, shoot for something that costs no more than $7. And get red, it seems classier.
First: Take the two or three bottles and let them soak overnight in a bucket with room temperature water and a little bit of dishwashing liquid. A day later the labels should easily scrape off with a butter knife.
Next: Go to Google image search and search “wine labels.” Use the advance function to find a big one. Here’s a link to our search.
Tip: a simple label with a lot of solid colors will be easier to doctor.
Now pick your label and use Photoshop (we use MS Paint) to doctor up the label as you see fit. Add her name or a nickname. Add the place where your live (call it a “vineyard” if you must). We also highly suggest you do not use a combination of names such as “Peter & Linda’s.” It doesn’t always have to be about you, man. Christ.
Alternatively, we’ve supplied you with a blank label below that you can right-click copy and doctor.
Here’s the one we made for our sweeheart.
Tip: For a double bonus, make a back label with some fun copy about your gal. It’s the extra effort that will separate you from the pack. For example:
[NAME] Cabernet is a complex mix of tastes that includes everything from striking carnality to atypical intelligence. Originally produced in [HER HOMETOWN] the strong flavor is best appreciated over many years. [NAME] Cabernet can be paired with everything from PBS to Grey’s Anatomy, jeans and sneakers to heels and silk.
Here’s our version:
Prep Time: 4 hours (over 2 days)
Level of difficulty (1-10): 5
Cost: under $25
As always, do not under any circumstances use any of C-Nova’s 122™ with a woman you just started dating. She will (understandably) think you are insane and she will (understandably) run away. We recommend having dated somebody exclusively for at least three months before attempting any of these. And even then use The 122™ no more than once every six weeks.