C-Nova’s 122™ is a collection of highly creative things you can do to impress a woman you are dating. The 122 honors the 122 women Giacomo Casanova mentions having slept with in his book “Story of My Life.”
This week, #82: M-A-S-H
You can actually play this game online, which seems retarded given the fact that the fun of it was going around and around and eliminating the possibilities. In the online version, you put in five (5?!) possibilities for each category (color?!) and then sit back and watch the machine eliminate the options until you are a McDonald’s manager living in Alabama married to Paris Hilton and driving a lavender tricycle. In the sense of having zero control over how your life turns in a cesspool of disappointment, the online version is probably more accurate. But that’s no fun.
WARNING: There are two very obvious pre-conditions for using the MASH C-Nova 122. The first is easy, if your beloved has never played this game it probably won’t be very charming. (This is most likely is you are dating a
woman girl under the age of, say, 24. The other less obvious but much more potentially problematic is that if you have no intention of every marrying this women DO NOT send her this. It is our understanding that a completed M-A-S-H board with your name on it constitutes a marriage license in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Kansas, and Montana.
Prep: You’ll need a piece of spiral-rules notebook paper (preferably with the left margin spiral ring tears still on it). Now simply draw a box and put four women’s names (including hers) on the left. On the right put four automobiles (remember, a coupel should be shitty). At the bottom, four numbers (of kids you might have). Best choices, 0, 10, 6, 2.
Tip: Under no circumstances should you use any names of women that she might know. Her friends or yours. We recommend using celebrities since they are unattainable and she will not see them as a real threat; the skankier the better. If you use one of your ex-girlfriend’s names then there is no hope for you. Kill yourself now. Put her sister’s name in there if you want her to do the killing for you.
Tip: It might be overkill but you can make a splash by putting her name all four times on the left, you know, if you’re one of those guys who has to pretend for her that you never thought about another woman ever and never will ever again. Ugh.
Well, at least we don’t have to worry about VD.
Delivery: It’s easier to just mail this. But we recommend folding it up and putting it in her purse/wallet when she isn’t looking and then she can just find it later.
Prep Time: less than a hour.
Level of difficulty (1-10): 1
Cost: less than $10
As always, do not under any circumstances use any of C-Nova’s 122™ with a woman you just started dating. She will (understandably) think you are insane and she will (understandably) run away. We recommend having dated somebody exclusively for at least three months before attempting any of these. And even then use The 122™ no more than once every six weeks.