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Humor, Ask A

Ask A: Tang Dynasty Concubine

08.21.07 | Posted by Hedgehog

The relationship advice Q&A columnist is a staple of publishing. Shit, Slate has one. And the “Ask a [Insert Unexpected Advice-Giver Here]” shtick is a worn out yet still effective gag, kind of like the reverse cowgirl and we never complain about that. So….

This week: Ask a Tang Dynasty Concubine

Dear Concubine,

My wife and I are trying to conceive. We have been at it now for about four months without any luck. We have tried rhythm method and pills and everything. Can you offer any advice?

Almost a Father

Dear Almost,

I sympathize you plight believe me. But according to first wife I no good at have baby either. My husband with me rock bed all night long and still nothing happen so he stop. You better luck if you ask second wife. She like little baby boy factory.

Dear Concubine,

On a recent business trip to Beijing I went to the local dance clubs and took advantage of the local “hospitality.” Now I have returned home but am afraid that I contracted something. When I pee I experience a burning sensation. Luckily, my life partner girlfriend is frigid, but I am still worried about my health. Should I see a doctor?

Balking at Telling the Truth

Dear Balk,

No problem. What you worried about? Two month ago husband get big red thing on his manhood and now all wife have same big red spots. First wife say it because we all sleeping with goat. But what she know, she only give him blow-job.

Dear Concubine,

I am a foreign student here in Beijing. I have been studying at Beijing University for about two months. At first my Chinese improved dramatically. However, I seem to have reached a plateau. Can you offer me any advice on how to improve my spoken Mandarin?

Mark

Dear Mark,

When I sold to husband from countryside I not speak any Mandarin either. But after many people speak mandarin at me, yell at me, scold at me, curse at me, that my mandarin improve very fast. Now I know all words mandarin like “roll over,” “strip,” and “go get Ling Ling for DP” My ma ma would proud of me. Maybe you try get two or three wife and then you have no problem too.

08.21.07 | Comment | Posted by Hedgehog

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» Misfiring, And Other Words That Sound Like Euphamisms But Are, In Fact, Related To Shooting Guns