The one unifying thing about all of these emails is that they are clearly dealing with the end of a relationship or the bitterness about the failure of a relationship that never was. How you respond in either of these situations will end up saying a lot about you in the film they later make about your life.
Dear WOMAN I SHARED BODY FLUIDS WITH / WOMAN I NOW CLEARLY DESPISE,
I’m genuinely sorry it did not work out between us. I wish you well.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it. The brevity will save her from your almost-certainly-wrong and certainly-overblown assessment of the coupling’s failure. Alternatively, the brevity will show the jilter that you did care but ultimately know that it’s better to let a caged bird be free to return (or whatever the fuck that lame-ass proverb is).
Stick with this template and you can be assured that the Jezebel ladies will never write about you. Unless you sleep with Slut Machine; then you’re on your own.