Big Johnson

Especially if it smells like mahi mahi; shit’s deeeeelicious.

If you grew up where we grew up when we grew up then you did one of two things, listened to Guns n Roses and saw the apex of the Big Johnson t-shirt movement.

Essentially, Big Johnson t-shirts were a line of shirts featuring a nerdy character named - no shit - E. Normus and he was placed in any number of situations (hunting, fishing, etc.) These shirts then featured situationally-appropriate puns about how things are always easy when you have an enormous schlong.

Yes, people actually wore these shirts. They could easily be found hanging in the windows of all the clever little retailers on State Street. Big Johnson’s largest competition? The Co-Ed Naked Rugby/Hockey/Lacross Team shirts. (Aside: these are also still available including a Co-Ed Naked Law Enforcement version (!!!) Certainly this team was formed by the NYPD.)

These shirts are very much still for sale. (You can read a piece of real journalism all about the brand owners; and then cry that they make more money than you by coming up with giant dick pun t-shirts for rednecks. Hope that Brown English degree was worth it dude.)

Below are a few of the designs available at press time.

No joke, we think we sent a Nerve message to the chick in this picture. She never wrote back.

Ever had sex in the snow? It’s kinda’ the bees knees.

Racists still need to fuck. Anyone remember the early scene in American History X before he curb stomps that dude? Norton was stone cold giving to her.

Rimming? Clearly Fleshbot’s shirt.

We’re not sure but we think this shirt advocates anal rape.

Actually, untrue; you ever try to go around trees with a big honkin’ ride mower? Two words: weed whacker.

We hear people actually yell this at some bars after midnight and there isn’t a boat in sight.

Um, ok, maybe good for Williamsburg.

No disagreement here. Though it begs the stretched-out-pussy / stretched-out-mouth question…

Second dude over from the right in the background: We think Matt Groening has a lawsuit to file.

We actually know a lot of women who pass us up for firefighters. NEXT.

His shotgun got smaller in this one. Shit’s got worse continuity than a Brett Ratner film.

Beer actually IS the best way to accomplish this.

A New York Post writer’s dream job. To our eyes Big Johnson appears to have gotten a lot more (and needlessly so) complicated. (There certainly was never a NASCAR one twenty years ago). Anyway, the sociological masters-thesis observations about a nerdy little (white) guy packing like Dirk-Digler aside, we wondered what it might be like if we applied the Big Johnson format to some real skinny nerds.

…apologies for a lot of these jokes being rather insider.