On account of having a few female readers we thought we’d start doing a little featurette called “Women’s Programming.” This week we turn our attention to our favorite songs about us killing you.
Every guy has a favorite song about killing his girlfriend/wife/lover. But what exactly does his favorite song about killing you say about him? Should, like, you be worried? And what’s the the danger level on a scale of 1 (he gives you an ugly look) to 10 (Hollywood makes a movie about what happened to you).
His Song: Run for Your Life (The Beatles)
So, like, should I be worried? Despite the pop stylings “Run” doesn’t beat around the bush about its intentions “Well I’d rather see you dead, little girl / Than to be with another man.” But really, it is The Beatles.
Danger Level 2 – He might spit on you
His Song: I Used to Love Her (Guns n Roses)
So, like, should I be worried? Hard to argue with Guns’ reasoning here: she bitched so much / she drove me nuts / and now i’m happier this way. But guys who pick this song probably only do so because it’s the only one they know.
Danger Level 1 – Rolls his eyes at you and goes “ugh”
His Song: Hey Joe (Jimmy Hendrix)
So, like, should I be worried? More than just the lyrics, this song audibly sounds violent which means he might consider it more a soundtrack for, rather than a story about, killing you.
Danger Level 5 – Don’t go in the woods alone with him
His Song: Hey Joe (The Byrds)
So, like, should I be worried? Music writers never hurt anyone.
Danger Level 1 - If his band gets back together like he’s always promising, he might write a song about how you never believed in him.
His Song: Delia’s Gone (Johnny Cash)
So, like, should I be worried? By bringing the same tone of voice used in “Boy Named Sue,” “Delia” is almost comical in its description of killing you. Like a children’s story.
Danger Level 3 – He might flush the toilet even though he knows you’re in the shower
And prepositions to end your sentence with…
His Song: Killing Me Softly (The Fugees)
So, like, should I be worried? “Really, it’s not about killing a girl? Huh, that’s funny. I always thought it was.”
Danger Level 0 – Everything he does hurts you doesn’t it?
His Song: Boom, Boom, Out Go the Lights (Pat Travers)
So, like, should I be worried? Christ, even we had to look this one up. But it certainly got the killing you bona-fides: “I never felt this mad before / When I just found out she don’t want me no more / If I get her in my sight / Boom boom! COME ON! Out go the lights!” Clearly this man is obsessive and deeply contemplative. And obsessive type people are a high go-ape-shit group.
Danger Level 5 – Might mail those naked pictures he took of you to your dad.
His Song: It’ll Be Me (Jerry Lee Lewis)
So, like, should I be worried? Probably just a stalker as this song isn’t explicitly about killing you. Kind of like “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. Ultimately, this man probably doesn’t have the stones to actually do anything (which might be why you left him to begin with, no?)
Danger Level 2 – Prepare for a lot of empty profiles in your “who’s viewing me” results on your social network of choice.
His Song: I Just Can’t Let You Say Goodbye (Willie Nelson)
So, like, should I be worried? Don’t let Willie’s stoned, farmer-lovin’ image fool you: “To one who loves as much as I / I just can’t let you say goodbye / The flesh around your throat is pale intended by my fingernails / Please don’t scream and please don’t cry cause I just can’t let you say goodbye.” Duuuuuuuuuuuude, that ain’t weed music. Fuuuuuuuuck. To know the Nelson catalog well enough to pick this song of all things… well…
Danger Level 6 – Will lace your peanut butter with laxatives
His Song: Kim (Eminem)
So, like, should I be worried? Considered the gold standard for songs about killing you. One of the main reasons for this is that, more than any other song, “Kim” leaves out the romanticizing and gets right to the killin’: “Don’t you get it bitch, no one can hear you? / Now shut the fuck up and get what’s comin’ to you / You were supposed to love me / NOW BLEED! BITCH BLEED! / BLEED! BITCH BLEED! BLEED!” Charming.
Danger Level Unknown – Worst part is that this song might actually be what makes him want to do it.
His Song: A Little Too Late (Toby Keith)
So, like, should I be worried? What champions of “Kim” miss is this gem by Mr. Charm School himself, Toby Keith. While the lyrics aren’t so gruesome (”I’m closing up shop / Shuttin’ us down“) the video is just beyond description. Eminem’s “Kim” was wild with rage. Keith almost seems giddy at the prospect of killing her here.
Ha ha ha ha. Look, he can’t even do that right. Glad the focus group stopped him. Feministing picked up this video. The comments are doozies, about what you’d expect from a site called Feministing.
Danger Level 8 – There’s a 50% chance this man will strike you during your relationship. There is no joke here.
His Song: Murder in Michigan (David Vandervelde)
So, like, should I be worried? Datehole’s personal favorite. It’s got charm. It’s got soul. It’s got melody. But at the same time it makes no bones about what its talking about, namely, killing you: “Wrapped you in blankets and dragged you through the rain / May God forgive me for killing you in vain / Now you’re the flower that’s growing from your grave / Oh my black-eyed Suzanne.” (Hear it here.) If Datehole had to, we mean, like, we HAD to do it, this is the song we’d write about it.
Danger Level 3 – We might spank you even when you weren’t asking for it.
Got better songs (and there are many others)? Put ‘em in the comments.