It is almost NFL season. That means that the women you start dating now might carry over into the season. With this in mind, a smart dater will plan accordingly because no matter how smokingly hot, how great a cook, or how understanding she is after another of your increasingly common whisky-dick incidents, you WILL want to go all she-um-ran-into-a-door on her when she gleefully claps for the Patriots’ 10th win. Think about that.
To prepare you, below is Datehole’s “The More You Know” NFL Pre-season Dating Preview PSA:
Part 2: The AFC See Part 1: NFC here.
Her favorite team: New England Patriots
The More You Know: Nah, we’ll do this one at the end….
Her favorite team: New York Jets
The More You Know: We personally plan on trying this in the coming season: Go up to a Jets fan at a bar and say “I wanna’ kiss you Suzy.” We bet some of them will laugh and actually go for it. Bonus if you’re drunk. Anyway, as for the joke here, the obvious one is your date’s boobs compared to Mangini’s.
Her favorite team: Cincinnati Bengals
The More You Know: Who ‘dey? “’Dey’s the other girls I’m dating right now.”
Her favorite team: Buffalo Bills
The More You Know: The best part about this girl is that, year after year after year you can tell her you’re going to marry her, actually set a date and then not do it. She’s totally used to it.
Her favorite team: Miami Dolphins
The More You Know: Dolphins fans are probably the coolest NFL chicks around; they’re really only Dolphins fans because the team’s from Miami and these girls are fans of all things that represent the silliness that is Miami, be it football or Jamie Foxx. So she probably knows very little about football, or anything for that matter. Tell her there’s six quarters, she’ll believe you. Also, here’s something just for her:
Her favorite team: Jacksonville Jaguars
The More You Know: Explain to her how the NFL created this team so that girls would have pretty-colored uniforms to talk about.
Her favorite team: Baltimore Ravens
The More You Know: Don’t worry about that. If she’d been listening to you all game long she would have known she was going to get that smack. Yeah, maybe it was a little hard but bitch just wouldn’t SHUT UP. Fuuuuuuuuck. Can’t a fucker watch a little football ‘thout all that yappin’?! Though you should probably call your boys ‘cause now you’re obviously going to need to borrow Mike’s truck. But finish that beer first.
Her favorite team: Denver Broncos
The More You Know: Wait until she goes to the bathroom and then cut block her in the side of the knee. When she screams at you for an answer as to why you’d do something so horrible say “Sorry. It’s my policy not to answer questions.”
Her favorite team: Oakland Raiders
The More You Know: Did you have sex with her while watching a Raiders game? Congratulations, you have entered the vast and exciting world of S&M behavior.
Her favorite team: Houston Oilers
The More You Know: Are older women really that much better in bed?
Her favorite team: Cleveland Browns
The More You Know: We hate to break it to you but you’re not going to find a vagina down there, no matter how hard you dig or how much “she” looks like she should have one.
Her favorite team: Indianapolis Colts
The More You Know: If she’s actually from Indianapolis why don’t you just take it easy on her and let her cherish the one good thing in her life. Better she’s talking about Peyton than where her daddy touched her, right?
Her favorite team: Tennessee Titans
The More You Know: Tell her you’re going to recreate something you learned from Pacman.: “No. No. There aren’t any ghosts or cherries. Ok, the first thing you need to do is get naked… Perfect! Now, I’m going to take this Monopoly money… “
Her favorite team: San Diego Chargers
The More You Know: It’s ok if you have awesome, unbelievable, mind-blowing sex with her and then not finish her off.
Her favorite team: Kansas City Chiefs
The More You Know: “Do you think it’s because Chief’s fans sing ‘home of the Chiefs’ at the end of the Star Spangled Banner instead of ‘home of the brave’ that they are such pussies? Also, what the fuck’s up with Kansas City being in Missouri? That’s fucking retarded.”
Her favorite team: Houston Texans
The More You Know: It’s all good when you’re a chubby chaser. Isn’t it dude?
Her favorite team: New England Patriots
The More You Know: “Hey babe, you want to see a video?”
“Don’t they look happy? Awww.”
“And look, Bridget’s gonna’ have a baby!”
“Fuuuuuuuucker. You know their coach pulls this shit too? Here, have a tissue.”