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Commentary, Humor

Datehole NFL Pre-season Dating Preview PSA Part 1: The NFC

07.26.07 | Posted by Hedgehog

Just like a woman to bring football gear to a volleyball match.

It is almost NFL season. That means that the women you start dating now might carry over into the season. With this in mind, a smart dater will plan accordingly because no matter how smokingly hot, how great a cook, or how understanding she is after another of your increasingly common whisky-dick incidents, you WILL want to go all she-um-ran-into-a-door on her when she gleefully claps for the Patriots’ 10th win. Think about that.

To prepare you, below is Datehole’s “The More You Know” NFL Pre-season Dating Preview PSA:

Part 1: The NFC

Her favorite team: Philadelphia Eagles
The More You Know: Upside: By the end of the game she’ll probably be drunk enough that you can do whatever you want to her. Downside: There’s a better than average chance she’ll hit you in the back of the head with a D battery when you go to the kitchen to get more nachos. And then call you a faggot when you turn around.

Her favorite team: Atlanta Falcons
The More You Know: Does she like puppies? We bet she likes puppies. All girls like puppies.

Her favorite team: Dallas Cowboys
The More You Know: She a Cowboys fan? Good lord; if you’re dating a Cowboys fan she better be good in bed. Anyway, the Cowboys quarterback is named Romo, which is one N short of being an anagram for “moron.” It’s also an H short of being “homo.” Just one of these might make it a coincidence; but two? Also, the Cowboys have the most legendarily moistee cheerleaders in football. If she gloats during one of the Cowboy’s eight wins this season remind her how she’s a fat ass compared to them.

Her favorite team: Washington Redskins
The More You Know: Why do you like dating racists?

Her favorite team: Minnesota Vikings
The More You Know: “Hey babe, you know what goes well with Minnesota football? Having my buddies over to, ahem, join us.”

Her favorite team: Green Bay Packers
The More You Know: This woman is probably more interested in football than in sex. You’ve been warned.

Her favorite team: Detroit Lions
The More You Know: This woman almost certainly takes prescription meds and/or sees a psychiatric professional. Upside: After years of being mind-fucked by this team she’s so broken that no matter how much you let yourself go she’ll try to convince herself you’re too good for her. Downside: Always that chance she’ll snap and kill everyone in the room with her bare hands.

Her favorite team: Chicago Bears
The More You Know: Explain that should she get pregnant during your time together it’s almost certainly not your child and she should stop watching Rextasy lest she get knocked up again. Tip: Every time Brian Urlacher makes a tackle say, “You know he slept with Paris Hilton.” Chicks hate that bitch.

Her favorite team: New Orleans Saints
The More You Know: No game watching or sexual experience will be worth listening to the Oprah-level whiny Katrina shit this woman will bring.

Her favorite team: Carolina Panthers
The More You Know: Isn’t it great how her not having teeth provides for such a smooth…

Her favorite team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The More You Know: Why are gay men extra attentive to their looks when gay women aren’t that much? Is her brother a Bucs fan too? Tell her to call him and ask, you know, for an insider’s perspective.

Her favorite team: Manchester United
The More You Know: That accent better be worth it.

Her favorite team: New York Giants
The More You Know: Look out. This woman might throw a whiny little shit fit every time something goes wrong, like if there’s one parsley sprig too many on her plate. Also, ask her early on what she thinks of Plaxico Burress. If she thinks he’s good expect to have her do things like quit blowjobs right before you come.

Her favorite team: Seattle Seahawks
The More You Know: This woman is harmless. (But hide your weed when she comes around.)

Her favorite team: St. Louis Rams
The More You Know: This woman is also harmless. (But hide your car hubcaps when she comes around.)

Her favorite team: Arizona Cardinals
The More You Know: This is the other Hollywood friendly quarterback who’s out-of-wedlock impregnation percentage is higher than his pass percentage. Tip: Every time Leinhart completes a pass say, “You know he slept with Paris Hilton.” Chicks hate that bitch.

Her favorite team: San Francisco 49ers
The More You Know: Explain to her how, though too complex to go into in detail, “49” is actually a San Franciscan gay sexual version of the 69.

Her favorite team: *Giggle* “What’s the one from L.A.?” *Giggle*
The More You Know: Don’t worry, that roofie will kick in by halftime.

Next up, the AFC.

07.26.07 | 10 Comments | Posted by Hedgehog



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