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Datehole’s Drinking & Dating & Drinking Guide

07.18.07 | Posted by Hedgehog

Recently Julia Allison wrote about boozing on the first date: “I’ve never been a big drinker—I’m practically a teetotaler…. But when it comes to first dates, I can’t seem to stay sober.”

Getting women plowed on first dates was a founding precept of the Renaissance.

(Readers Note: We found it fascinating that Allison is now using Gawker sources for her Gawker-derided TONY columns. Naturally-I-need-to-drink Moe isn’t just any old “blogger.”)

As usual, Julia left us feeling unfulfilled. It’s clear that, despite what those self-important whiny pansies at the end of her piece said about it, booze works 90 percent better than any charm, intelligence, wit, or, sadly, money ever could. But WHAT booze? Below is Datehole’s guide to boozing on a first date.

In Spanish “tequila” roughly translates to “the panties they fall on floor of their own volition.” Tequila can be tricky as many women have a Pavlovian reaction to the word owing to an experience they once had when they were 19 during a layover in Cancun. This can be overcome (sometimes) by introducing tequila as a sipping drink, like scotch. Order a primo brand and get it over ice in a scotch glass. (If you are drinking tequila, on a date, in a shot glass, you better hurry if you’re going to get back to the dorm before curfew.)
Works Best For: Anyone really. Though tequila works especially well with tattooed women, those who were already going to sex something up and just need to convince themselves it’s going to be you and, for some reason, redheads.
Also an acceptable first date Tequila.

Colt 45
Christ, if this shit somehow makes it into your date, well, you’re home free. Not only will you be having sex, you’ll probably get to pick the orifice. Works every time indeed.
Works Best For: Williamsburg-type hipster chicks who think that it’s edgy to drink something homeless bums buy only because they have to.
If we had a quarter for every time this scene happened in OUR apartment we’d be able to buy another can of Colt 45.

White, red, it doesn’t matter. Wine is to the date as the US military is to the rest of the world, unmatched in its power. Always order a full bottle as you can never really have enough. If she’s gone to the bathroom, fuck it, order another one. In our experience, if it’s there on the table, she will drink it. (If you find a 2003 Devil’s Gulch Andromeda, order it as It packs a whopping 15.1% alcohol.)
Works Best For: Anyone. Anywhere. Anytime.

In Japanese “sake” is a complex term that denotes the traditional period right before the ceremonial morning walk from another’s domicile back to your own. Obviously, sake is really an option only at Japanese restaurants. Like wine, get the bottle. And then another.
Works Best For: Women who’ve never had sake and thus have zero idea how to handle it. That shit tastes like water to them.
Why do you think the women in Japan dress like this? Druuuuuuuuuuunk.

“Ouzo” is Greek for “did we use a condom?” Oompa!
Works Best For: Owing to the fact that it tastes worse than accidentally licking a pit full of deodorant, ouzo is really for girls from Astoria and that’s about it.

Clearly not a drink. But goddamn, women respond to weed completely differently than a lot of men. Whereas we might get lethargic and want to go online and order classic cereal boxes off eBay, a lot of women get horny as hell. Granted, it’s hard to whip it out on a date. We recommend, if you must, packing a cigarette barrel half with herb. Clandestine and functional. A woman will never ask for this on a date but if you present it there’s a good chance she’ll toke.
Works Best For: Women you’re about to attend a concert with.

In Germany this shit is consumed by old men with stomach problems. If this shows up on a date you should probably make sure you brought your lawyer’s number because it’s even-steven that there’s going to be a date rape charge.
Works Best For: Women who still live in places with Greek letters on them. Also, retards.
“Guten Tag! Ze frauline iz interahsted in ze one-zided oral zex, yah?”

Like cigars, anal sex and running for President, scotch has somehow become something certain kinds of women claim to like. This is the polar phenomenon to men treating themselves like Barbie Ken dolls with the waxing and the expensive haircuts and the open-toed shoes with jeans and the generally having the vagina. (Three years. That’s how long it’ll be before men can get surgery to get monthly periods.) The truth about scotch-drinking women is that you probably don’t have to get them drunk to get them in the sack. By the time you’ve sat down, they’ve already decided if they’re going to sleep with you or not. Ask them to be gentle (though they hate gentle men).
Works Best For: Women who like to act like men. Also trannies.

Russia has the highest abortion rate in the world. Think that’s a coincidence?
Works Best For: Russians, obviously. But because of its ability to take on the taste of whatever it’s mixed into, vodka’s also known as a “Bolshevik Roofie.”

Long Island Ice Tea
Contrary to popular belief, LIITs rarely result in sex so much as failed sex. There is absolutely zero reason this drink should make it into your night.
Works Best For: The woman who is on an episode of Blind Date with you.
“Hick. (giggle). But they don’t grow no tea on Long Island. Hick. Hey, whatcya’ doin’ there?”

We’ve only ever broken out whiskey on a date once. It ended just about the same way any social activity involving whiskey ends – violence that soon passes the “sexy” level to something that leaves marks and crying. Also, whiskey drinking women are the kind who will see you on a date a month later and walk right up to you and tell your date you have a small dick.
Works Best For: Women who feel they have something to prove to the world about how tough they are. Also, women you never want to see again.

Women will tell you that beer bloats them which is almost certainly a good reason to stay away from it. Another good reason is that the same amount of alcohol in one glass of tequila is in one bottle of beer; but no woman wants to see four empties in front of her.
Works Best For: Women whom with, halfway through the date, you’ve decided you’d rather watch football. Also, fat chicks.
“We’re going back to your place right? Rock-the-fuck-On!”

Remember that scene in The Departed where Jack Nicholson throws that handful of coke on the floor and then tells that hot chick to not stop “until you’re numb.” Yeah, it’s like that.
Works Best For: Girls who are out of their league but want to pretend they can handle anything and don’t know any better. Also, Courtney Love. Also, any New York girl we’ve ever met.
“Maybe because it’s always been so easy for me to get cunt, that I never understood jacking off in a theater.”

Also: While it’s fine that she orders little or no food, make sure you yourself get enough to eat or YOU’LL be the one making the bad decisions.
“Hey baby, you want a bite of this?”

We just really wanted to post this.

07.18.07 | 2 Comments | Posted by Hedgehog



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