Yesterday Jezebel posted an excellent item called “Crap Email from a Dude.” And really, it was quite wonderful. And by wonderful we mean that it perfectly illustrates why women have every right to hate you. You know you’ve written this email and you should be ashamed.
But what’s Datehole for if not to help you be a better less horrible person. After the jump, we Datehole-up the email to make it more acceptable, if only marginally so.
Total Crap email in its entirety below:
Hey… I dont really know what to say. I am really sorry if I have hurt you in anyway. I have a tremendous respect and admiration of you and gratitude towards you and certainly would never intend to hurt your feelings or intentionally do anything to have you lose any feelings towards me. Things don’t really seem awkward to me. Or no more awkward then is to be expected. What were you expecting?
I wonder if you were sensing some of my ambivalence about all of this, but I think ambivalence is pretty understandable, under the garguatuan circumstances of all of this, no? I dont really know what to make of all of this…you deserve a lot, probably more than I can give you. I think I’ve just needed to go far slower than you are comfortable with. Again, I am sorry if you feel bad, either about yourself or towards me. That has never been my intention…
Gah! This man is giving us all a bad name. We understand the goal here is to not committ to anything; but does this douche really have to have such a high opinion of himself while he does it? Nobody wins here so why not accept at least a little more of the blame. Christ. Our version, with an attempt to keep the theme intact and the word count about the same, below:
[NAME],
I am sorry. I’m not going to give you some bullshit about how much I admire you because it would only be self-serving. I do, but you probably wouldn’t believe it anyway. Justifiably so.
I am not that awkward about things between us and maybe that’s because they are poorly defined. I know I never made my expectations clear and I apologize for that. See again, aforementioned self-serving and your (justified) disbelief. Maybe I can guess your expectations. Maybe not. I’d be happy to listen.
I’m probably coming across as ambivalent (if I’m even coming across as coherent). I do not want to lie to you. Nor do I want to put you or me in a place where I’d be tempted to, no matter how much I enjoy spending time with you. (And I think you know what I mean by that. – this is where the emoticon would go if I used those.) Is there anything I can do to make it up to you or be more clear? I can’t promise anything except that I’ll listen.
