Datehole Special Report: Deep Inside Adult Friend Finder

This is Part 1 of 3 of a one-month in-depth investigation into the world of Adult Friend Finder, its users, its quirks, and its benefits, if any.

The first thing that strikes me about the differences between Adult Friend Finder and my Nerve/Match/eHarmony account is this question: “What are your thoughts on anal sex?” And that the very strongest way to register your dislike for anal sex is “My ass is exit only.” AFF is an inclusive, liberal, blue-statey kind of place.

Except that, holy shit, are there a lot of red staters on here. In fact, my time spent experimenting with AFF has made me certain of one thing: People who live outside New York are hard-fucking-up for some fucking. Either as a consequence, or as a cause, a lot of them are fat.

IN LIKE FLINT
Your free trial doesn’t get you shit so I signed up for a one month which set me back around $30. Planning on playing it straight I tried to answer as many of the questions as I could, though after a while one begins to feel like this is a Guantanamo water-boarding except for sex – favorite positions, fantasies, experience, orientation (for which there is a staggering array of choices), fetishes. After going through all the questions I honestly knew more about my sex life than I ever had before.

Ummmm… I already don’t want to be here.

The upside is that a lot of this information isn’t visible to other users; it is just background that allows a NCAA-football-rankings-like computer system to tell you how well you hook up with potential hook-ups. Sadly, this is done in what looks like nine MS-Word check boxes with green arrows or red Xs and it’s almost impossible to figure out what any of it represents.

But for one check, goes true love.

AFF recommends that for better success you upload face pictures instead of just photos of your dick. For the most part this advice is woefully disregarded. But I followed it, adding four photos which gave an approximate idea of my size and very clearly had my face on them. All of them clothed. Though, imagine my surprise when one of my pictures, featuring me whipping the bird, was rejected due to “lewd” content.

After registering I started surfing around to see what I had gotten myself into and what I was up against.

There were 9 single men between 31 and 34 within 20 miles of (gentrified) Brooklyn were interested in straight sex or a “discreet” relationship who had also been active online within a week. When searching for all similar credentials except “married” instead of “single,” that became 15.

Not that married guys are always so welcome. From one woman’s profile, a sentiment that (often in ALL CAPS) wasn’t uncommon:

“Married guys, don’t waste your time,not into married guys, no matter how unhappy you are. Just Fuck her better and work on saving your marriage. You only have one life…why waste your time? Yeah ya might lose half your stuff.. but you can rebuild, and isn’t your happiness and kicking her to the curb worth it? I mean how much stuff do you need anyway?… you can piss on a tree. Get it on with her or get it over and move on.”

Dr. Phil has a job again why?

One consistent element across the men’s profiles: descriptions of themselves as feeble as their dicks were thick. Squeezed off at the bottom, hands wrapped around, tape measures: it is very clear that men on AFF know what women want and what women want is a huge, faceless cock. I find cocks compared (impressively) to just about everything; my favorite is a can of red bull. One creative guy’s got his face buried knee deep in a furburger (Bravo Mr. Muff Diving Guy! Well played.)

And I think I now know where those Photoshop skills taught at Parsons are being put to use. That thing was as big as a bottle of Bordeaux.

AFF doesn’t feature many women in NYC or the surrounding boroughs. But there are a lot from upstate and Long Island. Penn Yan? Where the fuck is Penn Yan? I can only assume that the lack of NYC women is because, with the amount of moneyed, coked-up Johns in NYC, women can basically fall onto dick if they need it.

I thought on this one hard, and then I considered it (zing!), and I really don’t think there is any tender way of approaching the subject of race and AFF. Nor am I particularly PC, so I’m just going to say it: There are a lot of black women on the site (in NY anyway), way more than what you’d consider to be a populationaly proportionate number and far more (proportionately, again) than there are black men. Take from that what you will.

Anyway, there is something refreshing about the intentions inherent in being a member of AFF that allows for a kind of blunt honestly missing from Match or Nerve: “I am a married mom who is bored at home. I am a BBW so if that bothers you, then move on!” The auspices under which a person finds him/herself on AFF also allow for a refreshing amount of honestly about what one wants. From one profile:

“Hi guys. I am a 26 year old Christina Applegate lookalike. I am 5′2″, 116 lbs, blond hair, blue eyes and I am looking for open-minded guys who are into role-playing. My exboyfriend and I used to play doctor/nurse, master/slave, teacher/student, but all in a fun, playful manner. No yelling, no anger. He also used to playfully show off to this little 50 year old sweetheart. He likes to feel inferior to a stronger, younger guy (NOT in a sexual way) and he enjoyed visiting him and allowing him (”the weakling”) to playfully idolize him and show him respect (NO SEX). He would then tell me about it which got me crazy and then we played together. So I am looking for a guy who would FIRST enjoy the power of looking down at the little weakling in a playful way and THEN meeting me, telling me about it and play with me. I’m worth it!”

And, how.

The women seem as reticent to show their faces as the men, maybe more so. But many of them certainly don’t mind showing a gash or two or a hundred. If the women were better looking overall, the monthly fee would be worth it for the amateur porn value alone (more on which later). As for the previous statement about fatness, this sadly seems to apply far, far, far more to the women than the men. There are some beautiful women on AFF though, just stunning biological workmanship.

Sadly it soon becomes clear that a large number, if not a majority, of the hottest women are searching for other women. The following is by no means abnormal when reading a surface-of-the-sun hot woman’s profile:

“iam a thin small brested asian woman looking for a woman to have fun with (no men) i have one and if you would like he can join us but i would rather be with a hot sexy woman alone, I am a standrd member so plese include email and a picutre please. ALL MEN WILL BE DELETED”

Though it seems that being able to use spell-check and eat pussy are, in fact, mutually exclusive.

Then there’s shit like this…

We gave her “less” anyway.

Part 2 (about the “extra” features of AFF like webcams) and Part 3 (about actual results of the test) of Datehole’s special investigative report on Adult Friend Finder to follow sometime soon.

Read Part two here.