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Julia Allison Does the Impossible: Cheapens Self

06.12.07 | Posted by Hedgehog

neel-roofie.JPG

Update: This article originally included a Photoshop MS Paint image of Ms. Allison that, when brought to our attention, was removed on account of it overstepped the boundary even by our cesspool-levels. We apologize to Julia. And we hope she remains a fan knows who we are doesn’t have one of her many admirers fuck us up (even though we probably deserve it).

We’re not really proud of what we’re going to do here, essentially take somebody else’s advice and (in all likelihood, sarcastically) pick it apart. For one, it’s too easy. And second, it could easily be turned against us. But in Julia Allison’s column this week (which remains unnamed despite our myriad suggestions) some guys were invited to offer their advice on dating for cheapskates.

Date 1: “Staten Island Ferry. Cost: free! Benefits: a view, a breeze, a romantic view of the Statute of Liberty. “No tickets are necessary,” says Blumenfeld, “but print out a couple fake ones and hand them to the attendant when you get on the boat.” Clever! “Then ask somebody where first class is, and before they get a chance to laugh, whisk your date to the upper deck.” For “bonus points,” he adds, recite the poem inscribed on the side of the statue.
Datehole says: And don’t forget the roofies. We can’t even address this one.

2) Convince her the cheap wine is amazing using psychosomatic prowess. “When the list comes,” Trex explains, “frown and say, ‘Man, there’s a typo. This fantastic bottle is listed as the second cheapest. Someone’s going to get fired for that!’—and order the second cheapest bottle. It’s a lie, but taste buds are extremely suggestible.”
Datehole says: And don’t forget the roofies. We can’t even address this one.

3) Picnic in the park. “It’s a known fact that women love cheese and wine,” says Blumenfeld… “For the price of one dinner, you can purchase a bottle of wine, organic crackers, delicious fruit, and a cheese wheel or two.”
Datehole says: Maybe the only legitimate date of the bunch. A+ for not being something a date rapist would do (see above); D for creativity.

4) Do the whole “art museum thing” right. “Do 20–30 minutes of research about the featured artists and symbolism,” Trex says. “Tell her you’ve been dying to see this show and casually drop a few facts.” The result? “You’ll look cultured and passionate rather than too cheap to buy her a meal.”
Datehole says: Well, I guess the best thing that can be said here is that the word “right” is subjective. Do you know what it costs to get into an art museum these days? That’s $40 - $50 right there. You could do the one-penny “suggested-$20-donation” thing at the Met but your theory about not looking cheap is going to be torpedoed.

In all sincerity, these ideas suck eggs. This is an actual column? What about Laudromatting, tagging a wall (legally), dog walking, or the bridge walk to Dumbo?

I think Julia has gone and severely confused the difference between “cheap” date the activity in which a man with modest means goes out of his way to be creative and, cheap date the person where a woman gets treated like a common whore. [Actually, more like a CHEAP whore – Ed.]

Then again I’m not sure a woman should expect more of dating advice from those responsible for a giant foam hand meant to replicate the deed of being able to put two fingers in a woman’s pussy while at the same time dexteriously slipping the little one in her ass.

06.12.07 | Comment | Posted by Hedgehog

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