You don’t need us to tell you there’re a lot of online dating sites out there, all differentiating themselves in the marketplace in interesting ways; some use promises of true love based on core beliefs and others promise really, really fucking hot chicks with perfect butts. (re: the latter: We can’t even go to Whatevs.org anymore.)
But few offer true science. So when we saw Darwin Dating, well… the origin of species, applied to our dating life? Fuck and yes. We gave it a try…
After putting in some general fake info and a photo here’s the login email we received:
Welcome to Darwin Dating! If you are hot, thanks for joining up! If
you’re ugly, we’re a little pissed off that you’re clogging up our
servers, but you’ll be voted out soon enough.
YOUR LOGIN INFO:
A note about our photo: A photo is a requirement for logging on. Since we don’t particularly like having ourselves out there on the eBays, we got one of some hunk bartender from Iowa off Flickr. (Sorry very attractive man, it’s for science.)
Hey! It’s Me. God damn am I a looker.
The first worrisome thing about Darwin Dating is that, while attractive people may be able to attract other attractive people, they sure as shit can’t design a website. Gracious. The whole site has the quality and feel of a Nigerian bank scam, except without its international intrigue sexiness.
Hey! Surprise! It’s a bunch of Adult Friend Finder ads. Who’d have thought that? (Stay tuned in the future for our test run of AFF.)
We’re also a little worried that there are no men age 28 to 32 in the database. While it’s kinda’ sweet to have a demographic all to ourselves, it’s also a little like finding yourself alone in the prison showers without anyone around; you’re thankful for the privacy but still worried that there’s a distinct chance you are about to get the American History X special (and we don’t mean the curb stomp).
There are a few women available in the 26 to 32 age range and they are, well, not wholly unattractive. The best we could find was Julia. Julia’s an Aries. Julia’s last logon was two months ago. We’re not holding our breath.
Hot. Then again, without a body shot….
Note the awesomeness of the “report as ugly” link. It’s like Cultural Revolution-era communist China except with chest waxing instead of intellectualism.
Apparently there are hot people on the site as evidenced in the site’s own collection of stolen Flickr photos.
There is also a bottom 20. Ain’t the Internet grand? [Mom?! -Ed.]
Anyway, they gave us these fancy buttons for our website so you can vote for us.
We’re partial to the gorilla who’s all just kickin’ it like it ain’t no thang. (We bet he has the pork-belly futures reports!)
Now go vote us a 5 you ingrates.